1 00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:03,751 OASIS: Half the World Away 2 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:10,236 I would like to leave this city 3 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:14,195 This old town don't smell too pretty 4 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:19,030 And I can feel the warning signs 5 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:22,959 Running around my mind 6 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,911 So what do you say? 7 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:31,112 You can't give me the dreams that were mine anyway 8 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,598 Half the world away 9 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,798 Half the world away 10 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,673 Half the world away... 11 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:45,474 (Motor whirs) 12 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,511 (Jim hums Walk The Line) 13 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:53,313 (Sings) I keep a close watch on this heart of mine 14 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,390 I keep my eyes wide open all the time 15 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:02,711 I keep the ends out for to tie the bind 16 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,195 Because you're mine 17 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,231 I walk the line 18 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,352 Be dee-dee de 19 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,391 He walks the line 20 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,999 I find it very, very easy to be true 21 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:20,839 I find myself alone when each day is through 22 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,351 (Hums) 23 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,031 Here we go. 24 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,718 (Changes channel) 25 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,309 Pwah! He's like a bloody bad smell, that Noel Edmonds, isn't he? 26 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,191 - Yeah. - Eh? 27 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,548 I wish someone would put him in one of those bloody boxes and bury it. 28 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,236 (Changes channel) 29 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,271 Oh, shite! Graham Norton! 30 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,509 What the bloody hell's going on here, Barb? 31 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:50,917 It was fine when you had Larry Grayson, your novelty gay, 32 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:55,397 but now it's a bloody novelty if you ever see anyone straight on the television. 33 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,315 Gays can get married now, you know, Jim. 34 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,511 I know they bloody can. I don't know what the world's coming to. 35 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,835 - You know who kicked all that off? - Who? 36 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,871 Elton bloody John. 37 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,672 Oh. 38 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,393 - What's that fella he married called? - David Furnish. 39 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,431 Oh, aye, that's the soft sod, yeah. 40 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,997 I bet his candle's given him wind a few bloody times, an' all! 41 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,592 - Oh, Jim. (Doorbell) 42 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,996 Get that will you, Barb. That'll be Dr Who and Rose. 43 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,271 - Hiya, Mam. - Hello, Denise. 44 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,311 You all right? 45 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,548 - Hello, Dave. You all right? - Hi, Barbara. 46 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,319 Hello, little David. Give your Nana a big hug. 47 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,036 - Hiya, Dad. - Hiya, love. How are you? 48 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,638 All right, James? 49 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,591 Oh! How are you, little David? 50 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,436 Come on. Hup above. Down below. To the side. 51 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:50,993 Too slow. 52 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,632 Have you had your tea? 53 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,477 Yeah. 54 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,557 What did you have? 55 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,513 Well, I made little David turkey twizzlers and chips. 56 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,312 What did you have? 57 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:24,873 Erm... 58 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,911 Turkey twizzlers and chips. 59 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,429 Did you like your turkey twizzlers, David? 60 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,550 BOTH: Yeah. BARBARA: Aw. 61 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,998 Have you had a good day at school, little David? 62 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,393 Yeah. 63 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,431 Did you do any reading? 64 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:01,754 Yeah. 65 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,233 Did you do any writing? 66 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:04,474 Yeah. 67 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,229 Oh. (Chuckles) ln't he coming on, our Denise? 68 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,271 Yeah. 69 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,555 Can I have The Simpsons on, Grandad? 70 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,591 Now, now. What do we say? 71 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,108 Can I have The Simpsons on, please? 72 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,071 No! 73 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,317 - Can I watch upstairs, Nana, please? - Of course you can, love. 74 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,791 Thanks. 75 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,434 He's a sociable little fella, isn't he? 76 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,831 Aw. 77 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,871 Oh, that reminds me, Mam. 78 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,559 Can little David stay over here on Friday? 79 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,556 Oh, yeah, course he can. 80 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,839 What time till? 81 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,871 Till Monday. 82 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,956 Oh, yeah. OK, then. 83 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,591 Yeah. 84 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,798 Why, what you doing? 85 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,513 Well, we fancied a little break away. 86 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,710 Ooh! 87 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:00,909 Where to? 88 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,235 No, no. Away from little David. 89 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,191 Oh, right. 90 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:10,030 You see, Dave really needs to spend some quality time on his own in The Feathers, 91 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:12,637 and I've got loads of catching up to do. 92 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,672 What with Trisha and Jeremy Kyle. 93 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,517 She Sky-Plused 'em, Barbara. 94 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,755 (Gasps) Did you, Denise? 95 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,791 Oh, well done. 96 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,795 How's our little David doing at school? 97 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,830 Do you know how we thought he had attention deficit disorder? 98 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:32,995 Yeah. 99 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,873 It turned out, he just couldn't be bothered concentrating. 100 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:36,909 Oh. 101 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,359 Could he, Dave? 102 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,472 - What? - Little David not concentrating. 103 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,796 Oh, yeah. He's got attention deficit disorder, Barbara. 104 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,273 No, he's not, Dave! They told us that. 105 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,671 Oh, yeah, they did, yeah. 106 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,831 How's he been behaving this week? 107 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:02,510 Well, I had to put him on the naughty chair four times last night. 108 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,278 - Swearing again? - Yeah. 109 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,675 - What did he say? - "Homework, my arse." 110 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:12,989 Thing is, though, it's always me dishing out the discipline with him. 111 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,917 Dave's dead soft with him. 112 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:19,112 I put little David in the naughty chair and Dave goes and sits in there with him. 113 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:20,878 Oh, do you, Dave? 114 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,229 That's very thoughtful of you. 115 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,837 Naughty bloody chair? 116 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,836 What a waste of bloody time that is! 117 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:30,155 That's why the country's in such a bloody mess. 118 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,351 We're trying to fight crime with a bloody naughty chair! 119 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,391 Gor blimey. 120 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,919 Who's been in the naughty chair? 121 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,315 Aw, are you awake, Nana? 122 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:47,033 Yeah. Who's that? 123 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,751 Oh! Hello, Denise! 124 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,711 Hiya, Nana. 125 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,955 - Are you awake, Nana? - Yeah. 126 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,071 Hello, David. 127 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:00,473 Hiya, Nana. 128 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,830 - Are you awake, Mum? - Oh, yeah. 129 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,836 Hello, Barbara. 130 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,518 Hiya, Mam. 131 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,755 Jim, Mam's awake. 132 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,597 Oh, better luck next time, eh? 133 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,835 (Door opens) - Hiya. 134 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,110 - Hello, Cheggo! - Hello, Cheryl. 135 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,918 Hiya, Nana. Are you awake? 136 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,598 Yes, I am. 137 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,471 Hello, Cheryl. 138 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,318 Hiya. Your bag looks a bit full. 139 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,831 Shall I empty it again, Barbara? 140 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,871 Oh, yeah. Thanks, Cheryl. 141 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,630 Isn't she good, eh, Cheryl? 142 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,671 Yeah. 143 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,478 She'd have made a lovely nurse. 144 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,158 Oh, yeah. 145 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,397 She's only lugging a bag of piss. It's hardly keyhole surgery. 146 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,919 Well, you wouldn't do it. 147 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,509 I'd love one of them bags. Dave, wouldn't you? You'd hardly miss any telly. 148 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:05,356 Oh, no. 149 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:09,313 I fancied one for the last World Cup game, but the National Health...phff... 150 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,351 didn't want to know. 151 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,071 Ta, Cheryl. 152 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,631 Aw, thanks, Cheryl. 153 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:41,671 It's a messy job, isn't it? 154 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,591 Have you washed your hands, love? 155 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,557 No, you're all right. Sit down. You're amongst friends. 156 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,795 Have you got the Evening News tonight? 157 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,831 - Is it in, babes? - Yeah. 158 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:58,431 Dad, have you got the Evening News? Cheryl's ad's in Matchmaker Matchmaker. 159 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,675 What? The lonely hearts? (Chuckles) 160 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,311 There you are, Cheggo. 161 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:10,238 What happened to that bloke you was writing to for ages. What happened there? 162 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,352 Oh, well, I sent him a picture, like he asked, 163 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:14,913 and then I never heard anything. 164 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,837 (Jim laughs) 165 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,633 Well, there wasn't much future in it, really. 166 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,432 Wasn't he in for life? 167 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,072 Yeah. 168 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:24,792 Here it is. 169 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:27,871 Ooh. 170 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,108 - Let's have a look. - What does it say, Barb? 171 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,718 Hang on, hang on. 172 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,557 (Reads) Charismatic 30s female.... 173 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,716 No! Read Cheryl's out. 174 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:39,398 Oh. 175 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,069 (Reads) Bubbly, cuddly, likes going out for meals, 176 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,190 or staying in for meals. 177 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,630 Both vegetarian and meat-eaters considered. 178 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,477 DENlSE: Oh, good thinking, babes. 179 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:54,115 (Reads) Looking for friendship/love 180 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,674 with male aged: any. 181 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,238 Able-bodied or otherwise. 182 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,831 Skin colour: not essential. 183 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,348 No height restrictions. 184 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,119 Bloody hell, you're not a roller coaster, are you? 185 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:13,550 (Reads) Own vehicle not necessary as father will pick up and drop off." 186 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,989 You know what the problem is here, don't you? 187 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,598 You're playing too bloody hard to get, girl. Ha ha! 188 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,153 - Oh, Cheryl. It's lovely. - I think it's great. 189 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,989 So, you just press this button here and away you go. 190 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,911 This one? 191 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,311 (Music through headphones) 192 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:51,992 Love is a burning thing 193 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:56,033 It makes a fiery ring 194 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:01,673 Barbara! Barbara, I've got Johnny Cash in my ears. 195 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:08,634 Hey, Antony. Antony, does this thing play cassettes as well? 196 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,671 No, Nana, it's just CDs. 197 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,631 Have you got cassettes? 198 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,272 No. 199 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,954 Are you going to stay for your tea? It's chops. 200 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,639 No, I'm on my way to a conference in Milton Keynes. 201 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,591 Ooh. 202 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,631 BOTH: Milton Keynes. 203 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,279 Our Antony. Fancy that. 204 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,311 Oh! 205 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,238 Listen, how's little Lewis? 206 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:35,192 He's great, yeah. His piano tutor's round tonight. 207 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,231 (Mouths) 208 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:43,315 And um...how's it going with Sarah? 209 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,316 Er... Yeah, good. You know? 210 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,351 All right. Yeah, all right. 211 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,071 'Ey up. It's Alan Sugar. 212 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,758 How are you, Lurkio? 213 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,358 - Yeah, all right, Dad. - Jim! Jim! 214 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,392 Our Antony's going to a conference in Milton Keynes. 215 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,715 A conference in Milton Keynes, eh? 216 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,751 That's bloody great, that, lad. 217 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,234 So, shall I put the kettle on, then? 218 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,635 - Oh, yes. - No, no, no. 219 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,515 You sit down. I'll go and make it. 220 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,552 You save your energy for the bloody conference, son. 221 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,551 Can I have a coffee, please? 222 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,797 - Have we got any coffee, Barb? - Yeah, yeah. It's in the top cupboard. 223 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,990 Do you want a KitKat to go with that, Lurk? 224 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,189 Yes, please, yeah. 225 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,231 Or there's a mint Yo-yo. 226 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,397 - Or there's a Wagon Wheel doing nothing here. - Anything, Dad. 227 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,953 Come and choose one, lad. 228 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,877 Dad, I'm not arsed. Anything. 229 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,911 Come on. I want you to pick. 230 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,428 You can even have a Club orange. 231 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,911 NANA: To a burning ring offire 232 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,591 BOTH: Down, down, down... 233 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,631 And the flames went higher 234 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,036 Well, I tell you what, lad, you look the bloody bees' knees. 235 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,878 You're doing really well, you've come a long way. 236 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,434 The old suit, that's cost a few bob, hasn't it? 237 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,198 - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 238 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,231 - Do you know who you remind me of? - No. 239 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,350 Roger Moore in the James Bond movies. 240 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,710 - Get away. - Matching tie and all that. Bloody hell. 241 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,911 Eh, I'm bloody proud of you, son. 242 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,349 Proud of you. Glad to see you're doing well. 243 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,391 It's just that, well... 244 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,396 I've been a bit strapped for cash lately. 245 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,432 What with er...inflation and everything. 246 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,675 How much do you want this time, Dad? 247 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,711 I'd say 20 quid, son... 248 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,830 but I don't think that'll be enough, 249 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,871 so can we call it 50 quid? 250 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,195 - Bloody hell, Dad! - Lovely. 251 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,754 (Shouts) Do you want a Penguin with that, son? 252 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,233 Can I take two? 253 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,271 You greedy little git. 254 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,276 Who the bloody hell do you think you are? 255 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,710 Eh? Swanning round at your conference in Milton bloody Keynes. 256 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:42,036 There's more to life than bloody money. What about your family? 257 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,310 Now, get in there and see your nana. Go on! 258 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,351 You selfish, selfish little sod! 259 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,958 The flames went higher 260 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,878 And burns, burns, burns 261 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,672 A ring of fire 262 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,315 A ring of fire 263 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:00,793 Wee! 264 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,032 Oh, that's me and you in The Feathers, Your Majesty. 265 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,271 Now, I'm on the piss again. 266 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,794 The piss again. 267 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,115 Would you like a large one, Your Majesty? 268 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,751 Do you want a drink to go with it? 269 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:25,155 Two large drinks, please, barman. Leave yourself out this time. 270 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:32,794 (Dave reads) Luciana kicked the flat tyre of her Mustang in temper, 271 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,674 without a care for her Manolo Blankets. 272 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:41,475 Shoes which had seemed so perfect in New York, 273 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:47,356 but now only served to shout ""tourist!"" to the barefooted peasants of Tangier. 274 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,709 Luciana was in trouble and she knew it. 275 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,639 Through her tears she noticed something. 276 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,672 - A head in the road. - Eh? 277 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,838 Oh, sorry, Nana. 278 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,519 (Reads) She noticed something ahead in the road. 279 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:04,515 Ah. 280 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:08,155 It couldn't be, could it? Could it be him? 281 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:12,239 Luciana's heart started pounding. 282 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,636 The Land Rover screeched to a halt, 283 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:21,437 and the all-too-familiar figure of Dr Curtis Sinclair emerged. 284 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,196 Ooh. 285 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,437 Luciana started to feel herself... 286 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,471 Eh? 287 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:33,550 ..weakening as she saw the steely determination of his gait. 288 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:39,228 Suddenly, she felt enveloped by his two strong arms. 289 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,078 Never had she felt so protected. 290 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:45,954 Not with Rico, not with Paulo, 291 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,753 and certainly not with Demetrius. 292 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,995 Oh, no. Not with him, no. 293 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:55,272 She felt his warm breath on the nape of her neck. 294 00:15:55,320 --> 00:16:02,192 Every sinew in her body ached with desire for this gifted neurosurgeon. 295 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:08,839 She wondered how such strong hands could perform such delicate operations. 296 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,555 "l want you, Luciana," he whispered. 297 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:17,879 "I've wanted you since the moment I clasped my eyes on you, 298 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,559 dancing alone in the fountain." 299 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:25,956 His lips sought to quench the thirst of her rising passion. 300 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,034 She knew that this was the moment. 301 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:33,471 "Not here, Luciana, my angel," he whispered. 302 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,239 "Let's wait until Marrakech." 303 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,912 What the bloody hell is Dr Curtis Sinclair playing at? 304 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,916 I've got a little stiffie on here, 305 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,951 and he wants to wait till Marrakech? 306 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,831 David? David? 307 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,431 What is a little stiffie? 308 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,471 (Chuckles) 309 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:58,758 She had to admit he had not put a foot out of line, 310 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,110 as far as she was concerned... 311 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,876 TV:..the country's most stunning scenery. 312 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:08,959 And I'll be watching life float by from the Nile as I holiday in Luxor. 313 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,668 For years, Egypt has been capturing the imagination of its visitors. 314 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,712 The wonder of the Pyramids, the magic of the temples. 315 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,433 But it's the Nile that's the lifeblood of this land, 316 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,756 which is why I've decided to start my holiday with a cruise. 317 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:33,474 Sailing from Luxor to Aswan, the Ra docks in a different place every day. 318 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,715 How's your dad doing, Dave? 319 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,194 Aye, smashing, yeah. 320 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:40,229 Aw. 321 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,271 Is his scalp still flaking? 322 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:43,514 Yeah. 323 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,039 Is your mam still following him around with the Dyson? 324 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,308 Yeah. 325 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:53,036 TV:..tourists have been coming here for centuries, and it's easy to see why. 326 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,276 How's your diet going, Cheryl? 327 00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:58,878 I've started a new one. 328 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,798 - What is it, babes? - Mainly fruit and vegetables. 329 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,555 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Cheryl. 330 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,716 But I have to have plenty of nuts as well. 331 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,228 But I forgot to take my nuts to work yesterday, 332 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:10,918 so I just had a Topic. 333 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,236 That's very clever, Cheryl. There's plenty of nuts in them. 334 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,474 Yeah. 335 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:17,033 And two Snickers. 336 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,672 Oh. 337 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,798 Do you like Snickers, Derek? 338 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,113 I don't mind. 339 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,516 Oh! Aren't they well suited, Denise? 340 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,191 Yeah. 341 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,519 I'm sorry you couldn't meet Denise's dad, Derek. 342 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,554 He won't come out of the kitchen. He's sulking. 343 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,676 What's it over this time, Mam? 344 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:47,992 It's OK. She's asleep. 345 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,837 Well, tea time, it was. 346 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:54,638 He went to switch the telly over with the remote control and it wouldn't work. 347 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:59,834 Turns out your nana's taken the batteries out to put in that handheld fan of hers. 348 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,028 - Oh, poor nana. - I know. 349 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,355 - What did he do? - Oh, he hit the roof. 350 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,109 He said he'd like to shove that fan right up your nana's arse. 351 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,151 Sideways. 352 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,757 - Anyone fancy a brew? - Oh, yes, please, Denise. 353 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,472 - Yeah? - Please, Denise. 354 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,080 Derek, babes, do you fancy a brew? 355 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,111 Yes, please, Denise. 356 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,277 Dave, babes, everyone fancies a brew. 357 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,909 All right, Jim, what are you doing in here? 358 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,996 Haven't you bloody heard? 359 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,359 No. What? 360 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,916 The Queen of Bloody Sheba has only stolen the batteries out of my remote control! 361 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,872 - What for? - To fan her bloody self. That's what for. 362 00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:01,755 So I had to sit for an hour and watch Location, Location, Lo-bloody-cation. 363 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,670 Why didn't you just turn it over at the telly? 364 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,597 Because that's what she wants! 365 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,710 Me, up and down like a blue-arsed fly. 366 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:13,470 She's the puppet-master, pulling the strings, up and down. Up and down. 367 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:17,832 She's got Barbara wiping her arse and plucking her bloody chin every half an hour 368 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:22,715 and everyone else has to empty her bag because she's too lazy to go for a bloody piss! 369 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,957 Do you know what the crafty old cow's done, the wicked old witch? 370 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,629 She stole the bloody batteries out of my bloody remote! 371 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:36,114 And you know what? Everything in this house revolves round her now! 372 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,629 - I'd not noticed. - You've not noticed?! 373 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:44,719 Bloody hell, lad! She's been lying flat on her back for the last six months 374 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:48,116 where we used to sit and have our tea, and you haven't noticed? 375 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,151 Bloody hell, Dave! 376 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:55,479 You go in there and you tell Barbara I will not step foot in that room 377 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,398 until I get my bloody batteries back in that. 378 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,237 - Barbara? - Yeah. 379 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:10,114 Jim says he's not stepping foot in that room till he gets his batteries back. 380 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,151 Oh, you see what I mean, Denise? 381 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:18,073 You can tell him to get off his big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop. 382 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:25,670 She said, you can get off your big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop. 383 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,554 You tell her, if I do have to go to the shop and buy batteries 384 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,068 that have been stolen from my bloody remote, 385 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,111 I won't be coming back! 386 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,720 - Barbara? - Yeah? 387 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:41,830 Oh, hang on. 388 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,598 What did you say again, Jim? 389 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:49,112 If I have to go to the shop and buy bloody batteries that have been stolen from my remote, 390 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,151 I won't be coming back. 391 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:57,228 He says that if he has to go to the shop, he's never coming back. 392 00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:01,956 Well, tell him, if he thinks more of his remote control than he does of his own family, 393 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,991 he needn't bother coming back! 394 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,712 - She said... - I know what she said! I'm not bloody deaf. 395 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,591 I heard it, you bloody bitch! 396 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,710 You streak ofpiss! Go on! Piss off! 397 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,557 (Door slams) 398 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,511 I think he's mad at me now, Barbara. 399 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,312 Oh, ignore him, Dave. 400 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,639 Ignore him, babes. 401 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,311 Are you all right, Derek? 402 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,589 It's always a little bit awkward on a first date, in't it? 403 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,031 Barbara? 404 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,957 Hey, Barbara, I'm awake, Barbara. 405 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,797 Are you, Mam? 406 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,831 Is he still in there? 407 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,359 Yeah. 408 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,074 I do hope it had nothing to do with me. 409 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:57,551 Course it hasn't, Mum. 410 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,631 Hiya, Nana. Are you awake? 411 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,079 Yeah. 412 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,111 Hello, Denise. 413 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,751 DAVE: Hiya, Nana. Are you awake? 414 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,791 Yeah. 415 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,478 Hello, David. 416 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,078 Hiya, Nana. Are you awake? 417 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,680 Yeah. Hello, Cheryl. 418 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,190 Oh, Derek, you haven't met Nana yet, have you? 419 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,231 Do you want to go over and meet her? 420 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:24,272 You've only seen her asleep so far, haven't you? 421 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:26,671 Go on, Derek babes. 422 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,711 DAVE: Go on, Derek. 423 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,599 - Oh, look, Derek's got a tail. (All laugh) 424 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,190 Derek's got a tail on his first date. 425 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,551 Cheryl, take that tail off Derek. 426 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:57,199 Sorry, Derek babes. It's one of my er... 427 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:58,992 one of my extensions. 428 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,032 Hey, Derek. Come on. Come and meet Nana. Come on. 429 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,117 All bow down for the Queen of Sheba! 430 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,313 NANA: Sit down. Do sit down. 431 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,832 Derek, this is Nana. Nana, this is Derek. 432 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,671 (Posh voice) Hello, Derek. 433 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:20,917 Hello, Nana. 434 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,629 Ooh, er... Just a minute. 435 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,869 Oooh. You're lovely, Derek. 436 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,791 Derek, let me tell you... 437 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,990 Do you know what my favourite musical is? 438 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:42,439 - No. - Well, it's Annie. 439 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:47,270 And do you know, your hair has just reminded me of it. 440 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:53,191 The sun will come out tomorrow 441 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:57,677 Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow 442 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:01,872 There'll be sun 443 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:05,833 OTHERS: Tomorrow, tomorrow 444 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,792 I love you, tomorrow 445 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:13,868 You're only a day away 446 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,036 Come on, Derek. Come on, love. 447 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,992 Tomorrow, tomorrow 448 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,349 I love you, tomorrow 449 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:26,315 You're only a day away 450 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:28,271 Oooh, do you know what? Come on! 451 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,390 Come on, take me down the bloody shop! 452 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:33,557 - Come on, lazy arse. Move your bloody self! NANA: Tomorrow... 453 00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:38,037 We're only a day away 454 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,671 -Ooh. - Ooh, Nana. 455 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,795 Ooh, Mary... 456 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,513 You know Elsie, my dead friend? 457 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,152 Yes. 458 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,191 Well, her daughter Marion... 459 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,150 ..she's being laminated this weekend. 460 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,918 - What? - Mm. 461 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:14,589 You know, carpets up and wood lookalikey. 462 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,792 - Ooh, wood lookalikey. How lovely for her. - Hm. Hm. 463 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,234 Haven't Denise and David been laminated? 464 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:25,716 Ooh, yes, they've been laminated throughout. 465 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:26,590 Ooh. 466 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:27,356 (Farts) 467 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,551 - I'd love to be laminated. - So would l. 468 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:34,513 I'd love my flat to be laminated throughout. 469 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,551 Laminate, my arse! 470 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,239 Eh? Would bloody use would that do? 471 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:40,838 You don't live there now, do you? 472 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:45,670 You live here, in my bloody house, and I don't want laminating throughout. 473 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,518 - Oh, hello, Jim. - Hello, Mother Teresa. 474 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,790 How's Joe today? Is he still decorating? 475 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:55,311 Oh, yes, he's just painting the sides of the fish tank when I came out. 476 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,351 Well, wha-what's he doing that for? 477 00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,231 Well, there was some left over. 478 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,676 - It's magnolia. - Ooh. 479 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:06,235 Oh, right. Has he still got that cotton bud lodged in his ear? 480 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,874 - Well, yes, he has. - Oh, Mary, Mary. 481 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,718 - Yeah. - I haven't shown you my new tablets, have l? 482 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:14,149 Ooh, no. Ooh, what are they? 483 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,758 They're yellow. 484 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:20,237 - Ooh, yellow! They're great, you know. - Ooh, I know. 485 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:25,354 Joe got yellow ones for his swelling. When he got his mickey stuck in his zip. 486 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:29,154 Ooh, ooh, Doctor Mahmoud gave them to me. 487 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:29,916 Oh. 488 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:33,077 Doctor Mahmoud's a Pakistani, you know. 489 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,759 - But he's very open about it. - Ooh. 490 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:45,118 Oh. "May cause drowsiness. If affected, do not operate machinery." 491 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,118 - Doctor Mahmoud thinks of everything. - Ah. 492 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:52,392 Oooh, did I tell you about Bernard, from the flats? 493 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:53,873 No. What? 494 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:56,559 He dropped dead, in the middle of Matalan. 495 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:59,831 - Ooh, dear. - Anyway, after he was dead, 496 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,952 didn't he find himself cremated? 497 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,991 (Gasps) Poor Bernard. 498 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,394 - They split his ashes, Norma. - They what? 499 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:11,034 They split his ashes. 500 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:15,278 - His sister who's living here took half. - Yeah. 501 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:21,475 And then his other sister, who lives in America, took the other half. 502 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:22,635 Ooh. 503 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:27,037 - Now, he'd never been out of Manchester... - No. 504 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,911 ..in his life. 505 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:33,431 And now half of him is in Salford, 506 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,916 and the other half of him is in San Francisco. 507 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,235 Which half? 508 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:40,952 There's no way of knowing. 509 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:46,438 - Well, I hope it was his top half. - Oh, so do l. 510 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:48,630 I left my half 511 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:52,909 In San Francisco (Nana cackles) 512 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:55,838 (Jim laughs hysterically) 513 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:57,871 (All laugh) 514 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,631 JOHNNY CASH: A Thing Called Love 515 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,036 BACKlNG SlNGERS: Love! 516 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:08,231 A thing called love 517 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:11,272 CASH: Six foot six, he stood on the ground 518 00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,198 He weighed two hundred and thirty-five pounds 519 00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,196 But I saw that giant of a man 520 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:19,471 Brought down to his knees by love... 521 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:21,988 (Both laugh) 522 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:23,393 (Music drowns out speech) 523 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,750 He was the kind of a man that would gamble on luck 524 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:29,678 Look you in the eye and never back up 525 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:32,712 But I saw him crying like a little whipped pup 526 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,638 Because of love 527 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:37,398 You can't see it with your eyes 528 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,396 Hold it in your hand 529 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:41,556 But like the wind that covers our land 530 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:45,038 Strong enough to move the heart of any man 531 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:47,071 This thing called love 532 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:49,992 It can lift you up 533 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:51,234 Never let you down 534 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:55,910 Take your world and turn it all around 535 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,793 Ever since time nothing's ever been found... 536 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:06,675 (Radio on) - Don't do it so curly this time, Barbara. 537 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:09,109 Last time it was just like Jeremy Clarkson. 538 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:13,440 Oh, don't be so rough. 539 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:14,833 (Tuts and sighs) 540 00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,394 You're just like Sweeney Todd with that comb. 541 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,838 Barbara, Barbara. 542 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:28,797 Did I tell you my dead friend Elsie's daughter Marion went out for a meal last Friday 543 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:30,990 with her husband Lionel? 544 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:32,029 No. 545 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:37,677 Well, she did. Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband Lionel. 546 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:39,711 - Ooh, did they? - Mm. 547 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,558 - (Sniffs) - What did they have? 548 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:46,388 Erm...they both had a la carte. 549 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,829 - Ooh, how lovely. - Mm. 550 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,949 What is a la carte, Barbara? 551 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:54,991 I don't know. 552 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:59,510 I wouldn't mind trying a la carte one night. I'm sick of chops. 553 00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:07,397 For her starter...Marion had soup of the day 554 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,556 which was Friday. 555 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:17,314 And er...Lionel had smoked salmon roll with cheese and chive sauce. 556 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:19,639 Ooh... 557 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:23,870 Before the main meal and after it, 558 00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,912 they had erm...ice cream sorbet. 559 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:29,713 - Oh, how lovely. - Mm. 560 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,149 And then they both had a crepe. 561 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,873 Well, I'm not surprised after all they'd eaten. 562 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,911 (Both laugh) 563 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,995 Hm. Hm. 564 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:44,429 - Ey, Mam. - Hm? 565 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:46,516 Do you remember when you used to do my hair? 566 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,630 Yes, I do. 567 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,717 You always used to tie it up with a little red ribbon on top. 568 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,070 Well, that's what my mam used to do to me. 569 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,111 Oh... 570 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:04,319 Barbara, this... this nightie feels a bit mucky. 571 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:08,798 Right, well... 572 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,274 I'll throw it in with the next load. 573 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:13,311 You can give it me after this. 574 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,879 Can't you do a hand wash with it? 575 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:20,799 I don't fancy it being in with Jim's Y-fronts. 576 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:22,831 They're so mucky. 577 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:26,991 (Barbara sighs) 578 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,110 - Barbara? - Yes? 579 00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:32,755 Do you think you could get on with my toenails next? 580 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:35,791 Yeah. 581 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,630 - Barbara? - Yes? 582 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:42,671 Barbara. 583 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:45,791 (Softly) Barbara. 584 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:48,195 Thank you. 585 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,437 - Thank you, Barbara. - What for? 586 00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:53,471 Everything. 587 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:58,518 Do you remember last Christmas when all this started? 588 00:32:58,560 --> 00:32:59,356 Yes. 589 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,198 - Do you remember I got the wishbone? - Yes. 590 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:04,629 Do you want to know what I wished for? 591 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,955 No, don't tell me, cos it won't come true. 592 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:08,991 But it has, Barbara, it has. 593 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,475 I wished... 594 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:15,956 I wished that I would never have to go into a home. 595 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:20,671 (Softly) Ooh, Mam. 596 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,318 I'm not a burden to you, am l, Barbara? 597 00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:27,791 You're never a burden, Mam. 598 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:33,511 I do love you, Barbara. 599 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,349 (Radio plays) DORlS DAY: Que Ser�, Ser� 600 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:46,393 When I was just a little girl 601 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:48,396 I asked my mother 602 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:50,431 What will I be? 603 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,476 Will I be pretty? 604 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,590 Will I be rich? 605 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:58,393 Here's what she said to me 606 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:02,194 (Barbara sobs) Que ser�, ser� 607 00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:06,119 Whatever will be, will be 608 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:09,869 The future's not ours to see 609 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,718 Que sera, sera 610 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:17,037 What will be, will be 611 00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:18,832 BARBARA: Oh... 612 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:22,793 When I grew up and fell in love 613 00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:26,753 I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead? 614 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:31,674 Will we have rainbows day after day? 615 00:34:31,720 --> 00:34:34,837 Here's what my sweetheart said 616 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:38,555 Que sera, sera 617 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:42,673 Whatever will be, will be 618 00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:46,349 The future's not ours to see 619 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,392 Que sera, sera 620 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,597 What will be, will be 621 00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:00,713 Have you thought any more about having those hair extensions, Nana? 622 00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,432 Yeah, I er... 623 00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:05,119 I thought maybe for my birthday. 624 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:06,798 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. 625 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:10,310 - Well, it's something a bit different, isn't it? - Yeah. 626 00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,033 - I think they'd look top, babes. - Mm. 627 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:16,038 These look great, Denise. They're great. 628 00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:20,637 Do you ever think of doing this to your own nails? 629 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:24,150 Well, I've always got loads of things to do, and false nails... 630 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,558 ..they just slow me down. 631 00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:28,591 Get stuck in the remote control. 632 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,039 (Nana chuckles) 633 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,878 You're your father's daughter, all right, aren't you? 634 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:35,309 (Chuckles) Now, Nana. Don't say that. 635 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,877 - I'm nearly ready. - We're really excited. 636 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,159 What's little David hoping for? 637 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,272 A little brother or a little sister? 638 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,117 He wants a brother. 639 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:50,991 Oh. What about big David? 640 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,553 Well, he don't mind, really. 641 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:55,874 As long as it's er... 642 00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:57,717 - His? - Nana! 643 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,389 Ee, well, whatever it is... 644 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,233 ..I'm going to hang on to meet it. 645 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:09,271 Ah, Nana. 646 00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:15,233 Little David keeps getting his bit wrong. 647 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,794 Lewis thinks he's on the X Factor. 648 00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:19,637 (Laughter outside) 649 00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:21,671 - Denise? - Yeah? 650 00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:26,314 Denise, can I talk to you about when I go? 651 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:29,352 - Go where? - To heaven. 652 00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:30,833 Oh, Nana. 653 00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:33,030 I don't want to talk about that. 654 00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:36,231 They won't let me talk about it and I want to. 655 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,430 OK, Nana. 656 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:40,152 Denise... 657 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:43,192 How do you spell funeral? 658 00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:46,437 - Funeral? - Yes, spell it. Spell it. 659 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,316 - F-U-N... - Stop. 660 00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:50,588 Stop there. 661 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:54,519 Because that's what I want my funeral to be. 662 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:57,677 I want my funeral to be fun. 663 00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:00,391 Oh, Nana. 664 00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:01,793 And, Denise... 665 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:05,549 - Can we have vol-au-vents? - Yeah! 666 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:07,397 Yeah! 667 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:11,280 Nana, do you know what? I'll make them myself. 668 00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,676 - Oh, ta, Denise. - From a packet, probably. 669 00:37:14,720 --> 00:37:16,631 (Door opens) ANTONY: 'Ey. 670 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,319 You'd think those two were performing at Wembley Arena. 671 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:21,874 'Ey, Antony babes, who'd have thought it, eh? 672 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:23,638 Me and you with such talented kids. 673 00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:27,878 - Yeah, I know. - I don't say this to swank, but er... 674 00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:30,798 Where do you think they get all that talent from? 675 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:32,349 Me. 676 00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:33,719 - Oh. - Ready. 677 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,399 - All right. OK. - Right, then, boys. 678 00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,000 - In you come. - Whooo! 679 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:47,114 OK, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble! 680 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:51,438 He learnt his craft in Tokyo, Japan and Kevin's karate class on Church Road. 681 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:54,472 It's Master David "Lightning Pants" Best. 682 00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:55,714 (Cheering) 683 00:37:58,160 --> 00:37:59,752 ANTONY: Come on, little David. 684 00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:02,268 - Oh! - Oh, very good. Very good. 685 00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:04,311 Oooh! 686 00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:06,911 (Laughter and cooing) 687 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:07,995 Oh! 688 00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:10,751 NANA: Oooh! 689 00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,111 (Cheering) 690 00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:19,235 Let's get ready to rumble once more, ladies and gentlemen. 691 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:21,999 Time for a few impressions. The master of mirth himself. 692 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:24,474 The boy of 1,000 voices, all of them quite similar. 693 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:28,195 - In Nana's corner, it's Lewis Royle. - (Cheering) 694 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,789 ANTONY: Who are you gonna do, then? - Who am I gonna do? 695 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:35,512 Do er... Do Nana first. 696 00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:37,118 (High-pitched) Jim, Jim, Jim! 697 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:39,151 - (Laughter) - It's very good, isn't it? 698 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:41,156 - Do Denise. - Me? 699 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,794 (Girlie voice) Dave, take it off, you big clown! 700 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,558 (Laughter) ANTONY: Spot-on. 701 00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,591 Do miserable old Grandad for us. 702 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:52,269 - (Deeper voice) Never mind bloody bacon. - (Gasps of mock-shock) 703 00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:54,231 Bacon, my arse! 704 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,158 - Very good, actually. - Do er...Peter Kay. Do us Peter Kay. 705 00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,634 Garlic bread! Garlic bread! 706 00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:02,990 (Laughter) Is this the way to Amarillo? 707 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:06,191 ALL: Every night I've been hugging my pillow 708 00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:09,835 Dreaming dreams of Amarillo... 709 00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,440 DORlS DAY: Que Sera, Sera 710 00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:16,359 Whatever will be, will be 711 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:20,313 The future's not ours to see 712 00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,954 Que sera, sera 713 00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:27,915 When I was young and looking for love, 714 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:31,430 you just couldn't find a boyfriend in the paper then, Cheryl. 715 00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:32,879 I think it's a good idea, 716 00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:36,595 because it means that when you go out on your first date, 717 00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:39,438 at least you know you've got something in common. 718 00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,351 What are your hobbies, Slash? 719 00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:47,870 Biking and paintballing. 720 00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:50,673 Do you know, Cheryl's father Joe... 721 00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:57,716 ..has just paintballed their entire stairs and landing in magnolia. 722 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,512 Now what do you think of that, Slash? 723 00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:05,236 (Sings) Here we go, with the old champagne! With the old champagne! 724 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,953 Hello, Cheryl. Oh. Hello. 725 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:12,676 Hey, someone help me to get this bloody cork out. Come on, bend over, Norma! 726 00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:15,075 It's Denise, it's Denise. Denise is here. 727 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:18,112 BARBARA: Ooh, help yourself. JlM: Get a drink, come on! 728 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,230 BlG DAVlD: Here's my girls now. 729 00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:21,633 (Gasps and cooing) 730 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:23,910 BlG DAVlD: Oooh! 731 00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,591 There you go, Nana. 732 00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:33,711 Oooh. 733 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:36,071 Oooh. 734 00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:38,591 Oooh... 735 00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:42,155 I've been waiting to meet you, sweetheart. 736 00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:45,711 She's... She's beautiful. 737 00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:47,159 Beautiful, Denise. 738 00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:52,831 Oh... 739 00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:55,472 What are you going to call her? 740 00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:57,829 Well... 741 00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:00,599 myself and my partner and husband, 742 00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:02,153 David, 743 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:05,192 decided there was only one possible name I could choose, 744 00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:07,515 and it's a very special name. 745 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:09,551 We've called her Norma. 746 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,071 Oh, Nana. 747 00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:21,118 She's beautiful. Beautiful. 748 00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:23,912 Denise. 749 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:29,949 Norma Orchard Deluah Porscha Best! 750 00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:31,399 JlM: To baby Norma! 751 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:32,759 Let's have a drink, hooray! 752 00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:34,791 (Cheers, smattering of applause) 753 00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:36,034 (Clink of glasses) 754 00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:37,718 JlM: To baby Norma! 755 00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:39,557 (Further clink of glasses) 756 00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:41,591 (Jim laughs) 757 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:45,354 - Push the bloody thing, will ya? - I am pushing! 758 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,516 All push together! 759 00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:49,994 It's no good pushing, there's a bloody big gap there. 760 00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:51,632 Look at that! 761 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:54,877 (Jim and Twiggy argue) 762 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,911 LOUlS PRlMA: Wanna Be Like You 763 00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:01,237 I wanna walk like you, talk like you, too 764 00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:04,558 You'll see it's true 765 00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:07,516 An ape like me 766 00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:09,508 Can learn to be 767 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:11,551 A human too... (Laughter) 768 00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:17,919 TWlGGY: Yabba-dabba-do-do-do 769 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:19,951 Yabba-dabba-dee-dee-dee... 770 00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:27,040 (Continues singing along) 771 00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:29,071 (Jim joins in) 772 00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:30,553 (Twiggy guffaws) 773 00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:34,115 (Cackles) Oh, Twiggy. 774 00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:39,191 (Jim laughs) 775 00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,313 (Men sing along) 776 00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:11,231 (Nana cackles) 777 00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:24,629 Hi, everyone, I'd like you to meet Soloman. 778 00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:26,908 All right there, Soloman! 779 00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:28,439 Come on, our son. All right? 780 00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:30,471 - All right, pal? - All right! 781 00:43:32,840 --> 00:43:35,673 It's twelve o'clock, fellas. All round The Feathers. 782 00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:38,996 - Come on, Soloman. Round The Feathers. - Come on, pal. We get hammered. 783 00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:41,600 Come on, Soloman, lad, let your hair down. 784 00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:46,395 You'll love it down there on a Saturday. Beverley Macker wears her Wonderbra. 785 00:43:46,440 --> 00:43:48,431 Hooray! 786 00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:51,511 (Skats) 787 00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:00,399 (Front door shuts) 788 00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:22,953 T rust Jim to leave me half-laminated. 789 00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:28,279 All I've ever dreamed of is being laminated throughout. 790 00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:29,992 (Sighs) 791 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:32,235 (Chuckles) Ooh! 792 00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:33,793 Poor old Soloman. 793 00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:37,389 Apparently, he'd never even had one snakebite, let alone ten. 794 00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:41,479 Do you remember, Mam? You used to love a snakebite. 795 00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:44,592 What is it again? Is it half a cider and half a lager? 796 00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:46,631 Or half a lager and half a...? 797 00:44:51,240 --> 00:44:53,231 Mam? 798 00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:58,471 (Voice falters) Mam? 799 00:45:00,720 --> 00:45:02,711 Mam! 800 00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:06,511 (Sobs) Mam. 801 00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,279 Mam! 802 00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:12,311 Mam. 803 00:45:13,720 --> 00:45:15,711 (Screams) Mam! 804 00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:20,230 Jim! 805 00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:22,271 (Screams) Jim! 806 00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:25,671 SlN�AD O'CONNOR: Scarlet Ribbons 807 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:27,879 Sorry. 808 00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:35,719 Sorry, lad. 809 00:45:37,360 --> 00:45:39,351 (Song drowns out speech) 810 00:45:40,720 --> 00:45:44,190 And for me 811 00:45:44,240 --> 00:45:49,872 Some scarlet ribbons 812 00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:52,948 Scarlet ribbons - Cheryl! She's here. 813 00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:59,310 For my hair 814 00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:04,230 I peeped in 815 00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:09,798 And on her pillow 816 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:13,116 On her pillow... 817 00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:15,355 - Norma. - Nana. 818 00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,356 - Nana. - Mam. 819 00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:23,916 JlM: You all right, Norm? All the stores were closed 820 00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:28,238 And shuttered 821 00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:35,391 All the streets were dark and bare 822 00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:44,829 In our town, no scarlet ribbons 823 00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:52,471 Scarlet ribbons for her hair 824 00:46:55,200 --> 00:47:07,317 Through the night my heart was aching 825 00:47:08,840 --> 00:47:17,919 Just before the dawn was breaking 826 00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:19,951 (Sobs) 827 00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:27,470 I peeped in 828 00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:31,911 And on her pillow - Bye, Nana. I love you. 829 00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:41,312 On her pillow lying there 830 00:47:41,360 --> 00:47:45,353 Lovely ribbons - Bye, Nana. 831 00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:49,674 Scarlet ribbons 832 00:47:50,040 --> 00:47:57,515 Scarlet ribbons for her hair 833 00:47:57,560 --> 00:47:59,551 (Sobs) 834 00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:09,558 If I live to be a hundred... 835 00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:11,591 Look after her, God. 836 00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:29,389 I will never know from where 837 00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:35,358 Came those ribbons 838 00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:38,915 Scarlet ribbons 839 00:48:39,520 --> 00:48:49,270 Scarlet ribbons for her hair 840 00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:04,231 (Low chatter) 841 00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:13,235 Oh, hello, Father. 842 00:49:13,280 --> 00:49:15,271 It was a very nice service. 843 00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:28,997 - Oh! (Giggles) - Lewis, come here. Come here. 844 00:49:40,120 --> 00:49:41,519 I'm sorry. 845 00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:45,515 Come on, love. 846 00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:47,152 Let's just get through today, eh? 847 00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:49,794 - Yeah. - That's what Norma would have wanted. 848 00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:52,392 Yes. 849 00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:56,670 But, eh, a little miracle happened today, you know. 850 00:49:56,720 --> 00:49:57,835 What? 851 00:49:57,880 --> 00:50:00,474 Our Denise got off her arse and made the buffet. 852 00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:05,756 But don't spread it around, love, or no bugger will eat it. 853 00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:07,791 Except Cheryl. 854 00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:15,997 I tell you what, though, Barb. 855 00:50:16,800 --> 00:50:20,190 I'd give all the money in the world to have one more bloody row with her. 856 00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:24,553 Oh, Jim. 857 00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:25,669 Oh. 858 00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:31,352 JOE: I stole the gold from your hair 859 00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:36,952 I put the silver threads there 860 00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:42,313 I don't know any way 861 00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:46,638 I could ever repay 862 00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:52,552 Pal of my cradle days 863 00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:54,431 - (Applause) - Yeah, well done, Joe. 864 00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,436 JlM: Oh, nice one, Joe. 865 00:50:56,480 --> 00:51:00,598 She was alive right up till the end, wasn't she, Barbara? 866 00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,631 - Yeah. - I don't know how she did it. 867 00:51:02,680 --> 00:51:03,476 No. 868 00:51:04,240 --> 00:51:06,231 It doesn't seem real, Mary. 869 00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:13,074 I can still see her warm, loving face. 870 00:51:13,120 --> 00:51:16,669 And that white head of curls, twinkling up at me. 871 00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:21,158 Right there, where the sausage rolls are. 872 00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:28,877 What were her last words, Barbara? 873 00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:32,833 - Trevor McDonald. - Oh, Barbara. 874 00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:35,792 What a fitting tribute to the man. 875 00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:37,637 Yeah. 876 00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:43,831 Erm... 877 00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:46,440 Can I just say something? 878 00:51:46,480 --> 00:51:48,152 Erm... 879 00:51:48,200 --> 00:51:49,394 Well... 880 00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:52,830 Before Nana died, she asked me to promise her something. 881 00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:55,671 And she asked me to promise her... 882 00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:59,198 that her funeral would be fun. 883 00:51:59,240 --> 00:52:01,231 BARBARA: Oh. 884 00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:05,029 Dad. 885 00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:07,640 No, she's bloody right. We should be having a laugh here. 886 00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:10,194 Norma would have loved to have been here, wouldn't she? 887 00:52:10,240 --> 00:52:13,232 Let's have a toast. Raise your glass of Norma's favourite tipple. 888 00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:17,159 Which to be honest, could have been anything from the bloody off-licence. 889 00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:19,191 God bless her, eh? 890 00:52:19,240 --> 00:52:24,758 Norma Jean Speakman has finally taken her stairlift to heaven. 891 00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:26,279 ALL: Ahh! 892 00:52:26,320 --> 00:52:28,993 - Norma! OTHERS: Norma! 893 00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:31,429 Andjust one other thing. 894 00:52:31,480 --> 00:52:35,598 Father Kennedy has thoughtfully given us Norma's ashes to take away. 895 00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:38,950 OTHERS: Ah. - And er...they'll be cherished. 896 00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:44,711 And that's why they're getting pride of place in the Royle family household. 897 00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:45,795 Somewhere... 898 00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:50,391 ..where we'll always be reminded of her. 899 00:52:51,720 --> 00:52:53,233 BARBARA: Jim. 900 00:52:53,280 --> 00:52:55,430 OTHERS: Aah! 901 00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:56,799 (Smattering of applause) 902 00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:58,751 DENlSE: That's lovely. 903 00:53:10,280 --> 00:53:12,077 DENlSE: Dad! 904 00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:14,509 (Laughter and cheers) 905 00:53:15,720 --> 00:53:18,553 To Norma! To Norma! Come on! 906 00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:21,109 Jim! 907 00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:26,677 JlM: Let's hear it for Norma! (Cheering and applause) 908 00:53:29,800 --> 00:53:31,791 No more. I think I'm drunk. 909 00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:33,831 (Giggling) 910 00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:38,275 Hey, hey! What the bloody hell's going on...! 911 00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:40,914 Now, get out! Get out! Get out of here! 912 00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:42,996 - Before l... - (Laughter) 913 00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:45,031 Go 'head! Go on! 914 00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:47,429 (Laughs) 915 00:53:48,920 --> 00:53:50,319 Come on, everybody. 916 00:53:50,360 --> 00:53:52,874 JlM: Come on, everyone, now. - All right, love? 917 00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:54,911 Come on, let's have a drink. 918 00:53:57,880 --> 00:53:59,950 (Chattering and singing from living room) 919 00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:03,595 Hey, Cheryl, you still going out with that bloke with the beard? 920 00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:07,996 Soloman? 921 00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:09,359 No. 922 00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:12,556 I really liked him, erm... 923 00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:16,034 And I was prepared to change religion and... 924 00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:19,270 ..give up bacon for him. 925 00:54:19,320 --> 00:54:21,072 But... 926 00:54:21,120 --> 00:54:24,829 when it came pork pie, I just... I just couldn't make that commitment. 927 00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:25,995 So... 928 00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:29,515 ..I suppose our love wasn't strong enough. 929 00:54:30,560 --> 00:54:33,358 No-one should want you to change. 930 00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:36,714 I've always thought you were a little belter. 931 00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:38,834 JlM: Come on, then. 932 00:54:38,880 --> 00:54:42,350 (Sporadic singing of Is This The Way To Amarillo? ) 933 00:54:52,480 --> 00:54:53,674 (Cheering) 934 00:54:53,720 --> 00:54:56,234 JlM: Oh, you're a long time gone. Come on! 935 00:54:56,280 --> 00:54:58,669 I want everyone singing along. 936 00:54:58,720 --> 00:55:00,711 Here we go. What'll we hear? I know. 937 00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:02,751 I want a girl 938 00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:04,552 Just like the girl 939 00:55:04,600 --> 00:55:07,910 That married dear old Dad 940 00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:10,679 She was a pearl 941 00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:15,635 And the only girl Daddy ever had 942 00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:17,750 A real old-fashioned girl 943 00:55:17,800 --> 00:55:19,950 With eyes of blue 944 00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:23,879 One who really loves nobody else but you 945 00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:26,354 I want a girl 946 00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:30,154 Just like the girl that married dear old Dad 947 00:55:30,200 --> 00:55:31,952 Everybody, come on! 948 00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:33,797 I want a girl 949 00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:35,751 Just like the girl 950 00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:39,110 That married dear old Dad 951 00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:42,035 She was a pearl 952 00:55:42,080 --> 00:55:43,559 And the only girl 953 00:55:43,600 --> 00:55:47,229 That Daddy ever had 954 00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:49,432 A real old-fashioned girl 955 00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:51,436 With eyes of blue 956 00:55:51,480 --> 00:55:55,155 One who really loves nobody else but you 957 00:55:55,200 --> 00:55:57,668 I want a girl 958 00:55:57,720 --> 00:55:59,358 Just like the girl 959 00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:01,356 That married 960 00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:06,872 Dear old Dad 961 00:56:06,920 --> 00:56:09,514 (Cheering and whistling) 962 00:56:09,560 --> 00:56:12,074 So what do you say? 963 00:56:12,120 --> 00:56:16,511 You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway 964 00:56:16,560 --> 00:56:20,269 Half the world away 965 00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:24,037 Half the world away 966 00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:28,351 Half the world away 967 00:56:28,800 --> 00:56:30,711 I've been lost, I've been found 968 00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:33,877 But I don't feel down 969 00:56:34,720 --> 00:56:38,713 No, I don't feel down 970 00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:42,908 No, I don't feel down